


zhīzi- Gardenia

by Chileangirl



Category: GOT7
Genre: F/M, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-29 18:36:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11446680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chileangirl/pseuds/Chileangirl
Summary: Jacksons starts the long journery of one sided love





	1. Got7's favorite flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Got7 members reveal their favorite flower

160801 HK Sina Interview

Interviewer **: Hong Kong fans want to know a bit more about GOT7, what’s your favorite flower guys?**

JB: **_I like the flowers from Cherry trees, they are so simple and yet so beautiful, they bring color back to the streets of Seoul._**

 ** _Wow!!! So chic and classy leader-nim-_** teased Jackson.

 ** _I like Daisies more, whenever I look at them their colors give an energetic vibe, you can match them with any clothes-_** said fashionista BamBam.

 ** _Well, I don’t actually like one in specific but ahgases always give me tulips because they say it means sunshine in your smile-_** said a very flustered YoungJae.

 ** _Our ahgases are so thoughtful, what about you Yugyeom?_** \- said Jackson.

 ** _I think I like yellow dandelions, I have made them my logo because they look so amazing!!!- s_** aid a cheerful maknae.

 ** _I think I like orchids, they look very sophisticated-_** said Jinyoung trying his best to not call the attention unnecessarily.

 ** _Wow!! As expected from our world star actor Park Jinyoung-_** joked Jackson.

 ** _Well, I’ve been thinking and I like gardenie, they are simple but stunning-_** said briefly Mark.

 ** _Wow, that’s the American style speaking, so brief hyung-_** added Jackson.

 ** _And you? You have teased all of us and yet haven’t revealed your favorite one, what’s your favorite flower?_** – asked JB directly to Jackson.

 ** _Mmm, well, let me see… I think I like white roses. Yes, I like them!!! I think they are so elegant, their smell is so fragrant, I just love them-_** said an enthusiastic Jackson.

The interview and the games were over. Jackson invited again all the members to visit his house, to meet his parents but this time only AmeriThaiKong team was able to go. As for the rest, they had other interviews and photo sessions to attend.

Love at first sight? Nope, Jackson Wang didn’t believe in it. He felt it only once before and the result was disastrous: he had his first broken heart because his first girlfriend cheated on him. It wasn’t so traumatizing; at least that is what Jackson thought, but it left a deep scar in his heart, deep enough to make him believe that there was not happily ever after in love. Maybe that was the reason why he didn’t see it coming; Jackson missed the details that could have helped him to recognize he was falling in love. He missed the warning signs…

He was a very touchy person so human contact was essential for him. He had skin ship with his band mates and friends. The receiver most of the times was his bestie, Mark Tuan, who never complained about it. Jackson never felt it was a bad thing.

Jackson also missed the second sign: the huge happiness he experimented each and every time Mark complimented him. Jackson felt he had accomplished his mission of becoming a better human being whenever Mark chose him over the rest in games or interviews. Jackson felt important.

Jackson missed the third sign: the sweaty hands and unstable walking he had each time Mark Tuan danced with him. Jackson felt his heart was pumping faster; his cheeks would redden whenever he was practicing a choreography with Mark. It was normal, wasn’t it? To feel adrenalin rush when you are dancing or making a physical activity. Jackson couldn’t see that the butterfly touches they had and the fan service hugs were triggering something bigger, and far more complicated than just a friendship.

When did he notice? Maybe when they didn’t share a room any longer. Jackson missed his monologues with Mark; because even though he was the only one reaching out, Mark would always give him time, he would always lend him an ear for listening his crazy stories, Mark was always there in silence and Jackson appreciated that intimacy.

Was it because of their shared likes? Whatever Jackson likes there was Mark sharing the same opinion. Music, clothes, accessories they used pair-like items and they loved it.

Was it because they spoke the same languages? BamBam would always mention in every interview: I swear they have developed a new language, they understand each other like no one else. It’s like twins, Mark and Jackson would only laugh and demonstrate that indeed BamBam was right by speaking between themselves.

Jackson was starting to feel different but he couldn’t just identify the problem.

It all started with JYP Nation concert in Japan…

Jackson was chased by sasaengs in China and he was involved in a car crush. Instead of calling his mother or JYP the first person Jackson called was Mark, he needed the energy only his favorite hyung could give him. Once arriving in Japan he went straight to the hotel, he was scared to death but nothing could stop him. When he saw Mark’s concern he felt somehow better, he was forced to visit the doctor and they told him he had received just minor injuries. Mark monitored every move and he made sure was feeling alright at all times during the concerts.

However, Jackson started to feel something funny in his stomach whenever Mark was around him, his body was feeling numb, and his mind was clouded. Jackson blamed everything on the accident though. Mark was always near but… Jackson caught his best friend staring at someone. For the whole 3 concerts Mark was being extremely polite with Twice’s girls, especially with one Japanese. Jackson didn’t mind the first day, but the second and the last was almost unbearable: Mark Tuan was openly flirting with Sana and Jackson didn’t like it a single bit. **What was the reason?** Jackson himself didn’t know. In that moment he missed the final warning sign: Jackson didn’t want to share Mark’s attention with anyone.

 ** _Why do I feel so strange lately?_** \- was the constant question in Jackson’s head.


	2. The roots of the disease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson knows Mark is flirting with Sana, he can't stop it

Mark was being more obvious with his flirting game and some people took notice of it ** ~~\- Read it Jackson-~~** He knew something was going on between Sana and Mark so being straightforward as always he made the question:

**_Hyung who are you texting? You’ve been smiling at your phone the whole day and I doubt it’s only because of the funny videos you like to watch. Tell me hyung, is there anyone important? Any one you’d like to tell me about?-_ **

**_Huh? No it’s nothing really-_** answered Mark with a light pink cheeks and shiny eyes.

 ** _Yeah, sure Yi En, you liar!!_** \- accused Jackson.

 ** _Well, I- Um, how to say it…I think I’m falling in love Gaga. I have been really attracted to someone lately and I believe she feels the same, it’s a bit strange but it is what it is-_** said a dreamy Mark.

Ouch! That hurt, something inside Jackson’s stomach was protesting but he brushed it off. He felt strangely sad. But with just one look at his best friend he changed his mind: Mark looked like always: angelical with a special shine in his eyes and while describing the interactions he had with Sana Jackson couldn’t help but to feel happy for him. Jackson wished all the best to his bestie and encouraged him to pursuit Sana, to talk to her and maybe have a date with her. It felt terrible wrong inside but outside Jackson put his favorite mask: a smile. Jackson was never a selfish man and as long as his best friend was happy so he was.

Jackson kept many secret but there was a person he trusted more than himself and that person was BamBam. Jackson told him about these strange sensations he was having and BamBam put all the pieces together. He was such an incredible friend.

 ** _You’re and idiot hyung_** ~~well maybe not an incredible friend any more~~ ** _. Have you really not seen the big picture?_** \- BamBam asked.

 ** _Nope, I haven’t so that’s the reason I’m asking you for help. I didn’t come to you to receive an insult BamBamie_** \- answered Jackson. He was getting a bit upset.

 ** _Ok hyung let me enlighten you: First, You feel happier whenever you hug Mark. Second you always fish for compliments but Mark’s ones make you feel better. Third, when you noticed Mark was flirting with Sana you didn’t feel right. Fourth, you have clumsy limbs whenever you dance near Mark. Am I right?_** \- summarized BamBam.

 ** _Well, to be honest, yes you’re right about that entire but still I can see your point-_** added Jackson.

 ** _Hyuuuung!! Really?? Ok, let me make it clear: do you want Mark hyung to date Sana?_** \- asked BamBam

 ** _No, he must concentrate in GOT7’s activities first, plus we’re still under the ban of dating. It could be too dangerous if he starts now, our lives would be a lot more complicated-_** reasoned Jackson.

 ** _You’re too oblivious hyung, I cannot believe it! Please hear yourself; you didn’t even hesitate to throw shadow at his imminent relationship with Sana. Jackson I am convinced you are harboring feelings for Mark hyung-_** said BamBam.

 ** _The fuck? What are you talking about? Of course I have feelings for Mark; he is my best friend after all. I don’t want to see him in problems-_** defended Jackson.

 ** _Hyung, relax. I’m here to help you, not to judge. Take it easy, I’m just putting 1+1 together. I want you to understand that maybe you are developing romantical feelings for Mark. It’s ok, we all have our rights, we can like whoever we want, chill out hyung-_** said BamBam trying to calm Jackson.

 ** _I’m so sorry BamBam, I went overboard. I just don’t think that is possible. Mark and I have been friends for ages and I don’t want to ever change that. It would be shameful-_** added in a defeated tone Jackson.

 ** _I’m not saying it’s something to be ashamed of hyung, we are all humans and we all have our own feelings. I just want you to see the story from my perspective. You sounded like a rejected boyfriend. I want you to understand that this could be only a silly stage, something not so deep. Give time to it hyung. Maybe whatever is going on inside your heart will settle down for good and this is just gonna be a memory, something you’ll laugh about in the future-_** said BamBam.

**_You’re right, this sounds so strange but I’ll just let things go their own pace-_ **

**_That’s it hyung! In the mean time I recommend you to start writing a journal. It may sound silly but I heard it helps you to understand better your feelings and you’ll feel lighter after pouring out your worries, what would you say?-_** inquired BamBam.

 ** _That sounds good BamBamie I guess it wouldn’t hurt trying it, thanks for the advice I think I’ll start my journal today-_** answered Jackson.

 ** _So now, are you taking me to the mall hyung?I mean, we can go there and buy you a journal-_** asked BamBam with a hopeful voice.

 ** _Yah! You’re taking advantage of your hyung!_** \- said Jackson.

 ** _But hyuuung, you promise you’ll take me there, jeabal??? Pretty please? -_** pleaded BamBam.

 ** _Arrggg!!Ok, let’s go. But I’m not paying for everything, so this time bring your wallet BamBamie we’re sharing some costs, understand?_** \- said Jackson.

 ** _Why you gotta be so rude hyung? It’s ok, I have my wallet now, let’s go!!-_** said an enthusiastic BamBam.

That marked the day were Jackson started a long and painful experience. He bought a journal and he started to write down his thoughts about his best friend.


	3. Dreadful phone call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The phone call Jackson wasn't actually expecting

Jackson Wang wasn’t feeling himself, September flew and he didn’t notice the arrival of October. All he did was to keep feeling strange; he had developed a never ending morning sickness. His heart wasn’t in better condition either. His stomach pained a lot. Jackson brushed off the symptoms believing he was just stressed and overworked. After all GOT7 was busily promoting Hard Carry and he was constantly travelling from Korea to China.

**Journey entry # 13**

**I’m feeling under the weather today. I went to an interview with Mark hyung for KConTV. From all the possible questions I could have asked… Pabo!!! I asked what’s your ideal type?**

**His answer was straightforward: a girl, and THE DESCRIPTION WAS AGRRR!!! He described Sana from head to toe. He even added: I think this topic is already dangerous… for whom? Him?? Definitely not, it’s becoming dangerous for me. I kept on with the interview but I couldn’t stop admiring him, he so handsome, he looked ethereal, his voice is so relaxing being near him feels so good. His words and body movements were so beautiful, Mark was careful and his words never hurt anyone on purpose. I know he and Sana will be a couple soon I’m just preparing myself to accept it, even if it hurts I’ll support him.**

**J-**

Jackson was giving his best in all the areas: TV, Radio, Magazines, etc. After all GOT7 was busily promoting Hard Carry and he was constantly travelling from Korea to China. Jackson was in the set of Go Fridge when he received a phone call from Mark, the most terrible one:

Jackson: Hi there Markie pooh, missing me already?

Mark: Hi Gaga, of course I miss you, you’re my bestie.

Jackson: So why are you calling me? You know I’m about to start the filming soon, did something happen?

Mark: yes, something big actually.

Jackson: what?? Tell me is it bad?

Mark: No, no at all. On the contrary, it the best news ever!!!! I wanted you to be the first one to know

Jackson: Wha- What-what is it?

Mark: She said yes Gaga, Sana is my girlfriend now. I’m soooo happy I wanted to share this moment with you.

Jackson: That’s so…. I’m… Well, I’m sooo happy for you hyung. I mean Congratulations hyung you made it!!

Mark: are you hyung-ing me?? Mmm interesting…Anyways you’re the first one to know. I’m so delighted I can’t even speak. Gaga, are you there?

Jackson: Yes hyung, I’m sorry I have to start filming, they’re calling me now. I have to go. But I want to say Congratulations hyung!!! I’ll call you later. Bye.

Mark: Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot you’re busy. We’ll talk later. Bye Gaga, have a great filming.

Jackson world collapsed, he was supposed to be ready, he had trained himself for this moment, but he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t going to film in anytime soon. He went straight to the nearest toilet and locked himself in. He was trembling, his heart was stabbed and he wanted to cry. He couldn’t do it though, he wasn’t going to ruin the makeup and delay the filming. He tried to calm himself by breathing, he didn’t allow his tears to show up, and maybe later he thought. He composed himself and went to film when the coordi- gege came looking for him.


	4. First visit to the doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He Jiong Gege takes Jackson to the doctor

Jackson thought nobody noticed his suffering but He Jiong gege observed every moment, he put the pieces together and offered Jackson to take him to his hotel room, he was going to help Jackson, that was his mission as his gege.

**Jiajia, spill it out, what’s wrong? Is there anything you need? Can I help you?-**

**Gege, there’s nothing wrong with me, what are you talking about?** \- said Jackson.

 **C’mon JiaJia I saw you today, are you feeling sick? You didn’t each the dish and it had cheese and chocolate, your favorites!!!. Something must be going on, tell me please I just wanna help-** answered He Jiong.

**It’s hard to explain gege, I have no idea where to start, I just know I can’t eat properly and my body is aching, maybe I got the flu?-**

**No, I don’t think so. JiaJia you know you can trust me. I know you locked yourself in the bathroom before the filming, what happened?-** Asked He Jiong.

**Nothing gege, as I was telling you I’m feeling a bit under the weather so I went to take some water.**

**Anyways, let me see- said He Jiong while placing a hand in Jackson’s forehead- JiaJia!! You’re burning!! We’re going to the hospital.**

**No gege!!! Please don’t!! Don’t!!! take me to the hotel room instead, I’ll be fine-** pleaded Jackson.

 **I’m not asking you JiaJia, we’re going yes or yes** \- said He Jiong.

To the hospital they went and the doctor delivered the news after running some tests:

**Mr. Wang I’m here to read your test results. Unfortunately you have Hanahaki disease. Look this x-ray, here around your abdomen there are seeds growing and I don’t know yet what kind of flower is it because you’re just in stage 1. This sickness presents 3 stages: the one you’re going through is the earliest; you are developing seeds inside your stomach. People normally confuse the symptoms saying they feel butterflies in their stomach when they’re near the person they love. If the love is reciprocal the seeds don’t grow and people have healthy relationships, the disease doesn’t advance.**

**However, in your case Mr. Wang, it seems you are suffering from an unrequested love; you’re having the seeds and fever those are indicators of the developing of this disease. The second stage is blooming, where the seeds start to grow and expand inside your body with vines, you start to produce petals. Stage 3 is complete blossom, you produce actual flowers and you expel them through coughs. The seeds take over your body from inside and you became a terminal patient, unable to breathe properly or eat. Your condition worsens as the time passes and eventually you can die from suffocation or malnutrition. You have three options of treatment:**

** Option1: ** **since you’re in the early stage you can get over it by simply falling out of love, I know it sounds careless but there’s hope. You can try going to psychologist, busing yourself, spending less time next to the person you love.**

 ** Option 2: ** **it’s a bit more complicated; you can talk to the person who is causing this and maybe try to have a relationship with her or him.**

 ** Option 3: ** **Surgery, we take you to the operation room and remove all the seeds. You fall out of all immediately. However, if you choose this option there’s no turning back. You’ll forget all your feelings and memories of the person you love. You have a fresh new start, but if you’re friends with this person you will never be able to be as close as you are now, you’ll develop just superficial feelings. I won’t recommend this option unless you’re in stage 3. I can also give you some pills to diminish the symptoms.**

 **JiaJia, think carefully about your options. Thank you very much doctor, please write the prescription for him now, I’ll buy the medicine and take him home-** said He Jiong gege.

Jackson was speechless, he couldn’t believe it. The mythical Hanahaki was real, He was suffering from it. Jackson just let his gege to take care of him; he didn’t sleep in his hotel room that night. He was crying the whole way to the pharmacy. That night he confessed everything to his gege. He Jiong was an understanding brother, he swore to keep it as a secret. Jackson made his choice:

**Option 1 it is gege, I’ll get over this soon. I’ll be going to the psychologist, I’ll be taking my medicine and busing myself, I’ll be a bit more distant from Mark and this is just going to be a nightmare from which I’ll wake up soon.**

**I’m gonna be with you every step of the way, JiaJia perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to Mark about it-** suggested He Jiong.

 **No way!! Gege, he just started dating. He isn’t gay or bi, I won’t ruin his happiness or the friendship we have for this disease, he isn’t guilty. As I said before I’ll get over this soon and I won’t ever confess my feeling to him because they’re not mutal gege, understand I don’t want to burden him-** confessed Jackson.

 **Whatever you want JiaJia, I’ll support every decision. I’ll be always here helping you. Maybe you can speak to your friend BamBam, you need an ally in Korea if you want to overcome this disease soon** \- added He Jiong.

 **That’s a good idea gege, I’m sure BamBam is going to be very helpful, I hadn’t thought about it before, he can be my ace card. He had his suspicions, and I can trust him. I’ll talk to him as soon as I land in Korea-** Jackson had made his mind. His only plan was going to be put into practice.

 

**Journey entry #17**

**I was dead tired after arriving from China. I felt so wrong about missing the fan meeting, it wasn’t my intention but I had already a schedule in China. I felt even worse imaging that ahgases saw only Got5 since YoungJae is resting at home.**

**I felt how my body was faltering the moment I saw Mark hyung with his girlfriend holding hands, he so happy with her, he spends his free time in hidden dates, going to restaurants, walking down the Han river with Sana. It used to be me though, some months ago it was me going to the movies, and it was me the one who used to walk next to him down the river. Not any longer. When Mark isn’t with her…Well, they are texting each other.**

**His happiness must come first. Above all, before this stupid disease I am his best friend, so I will always consider his feelings first. If Sana is his happiness I have no word on it.**

**But every time I look at you it’s so hard, because I love you so much Mark. It hurts so much when you say I’m just a friend. I’m standing outside the line that I can’t ever cross. It hurts but why can’t I turn away?**

**J-**

After finishing writing in his journal, Jackson took a deep breath and looked at it. BamBam was right: writing did help him to spill his feelings but it also made him miserable, lifeless, loveless, and hopeless.


	5. Stage 2: Blooming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wakes up one night covered in petals of pale yellow gardenias

Jackson hid his feelings whenever he was in Korea, only BamBam knew it from the beginning, but as a good friend he kept it to himself. In China He Jiong gege knew it too and tried his best to keep Jackson with a smile upon his lips. Jackson was grateful for having such understanding friends. The weight of one sided love and Hanahaki was more bearable with them.

 

**Journey entry #21**

**I’m so fucked up! People will hate me if they find out, what am I going to do? I’m ruining the best friendship I have ever had in my whole life. What about Got7? If I make a move I can break our team, our stability will fly out of the window. Ah!!! JiaJia such an idiot!! This is wrong in all levels!!! What about ahgases?? They’ll surely hate me!! And JYP hyung?? he’ll be heartbroken since he was the one proposing the promotion of Markson. No, I must stop this, I can’t feel this. No!! It just a period and this too shall pass. I have had crushes before this time ain’t  gonna be different. C’mon JiaEr!! Think straight because your selfishness is blinding you.**

**How can you smile so beautifully Mark? When I look at you, my time stops. How am I in this kind of love?** **The words you say, the body movements you made when you talk.** **In your eyes that look at me, there aren’t any feelings that are like mine. It’s such a sad thing to know your heart. I know there’s no hope.**

**J-**

He tried. Really, he tried to get over Mark by becoming closer to the other members, by busying himself with music. Jackson wrote every single day but nothing worked. The symptoms didn’t disappear. In fact, they were getting worse. One night while Got7 was doing his world tour in USA, Jackson woke up from a dream with a fever, coughing violently, unable to breathe. He was sweating profusely and his roommate, BamBam woke up from the noise finding the hotel room covered in petals of pale yellow gardenias. He freaked out when he saw Jackson condition: he was covered in petals and coughing. It was a beautifully sad sight. BamBam immediately ran to Jackson and tried to soothe him, he offered him water and waited until Jackson could breathe properly again.

 **Hyung!! This isn’t a good sign, what happened to you? Hyung how can I help you? Is there anything you need?** \- asked BamBam.

 **BamBam-iah!! Please bring me the bottle of vitamins now-** said Jackson trying to breathe normally again.

 **Seriously hyung? vitamins now?-** inquired an incredulous BamBam.

 **Yah!! BamBam those aren’t vitamins but my medication, I forgot to take them last night, please bring them to me-** answered Jackson.

**I’m so sorry hyung, I’m an idiot, give me one second and I’ll bring them to you.Is there anything else you need hyung?**

**Yes, please help me to clean this mess; I don’t want people to find out. Go look for some bags to take these petals out. I’m going to China soon so I have to take some samples with me, the doctor warned me about this before. BamBam, I’m really scared I think this is too terrible. I’m so afraid.**

**Don’t worry hyung, I’ll go and look for some bags. I’ll be right here next to you. Why don’t you call He Jiong gege? I’m sure he will make an appointment for you to visit your doctor-** suggested BamBam.

 **Yeah, I guess you’re right-** Jackson called and informed of his condition to his most beloved gege, he was trying to keep calm but apparently the disease was advancing more every day. It wasn’t true he forgot to take his medicine the previous night. Jackson had actually never forgotten it. The truth is that he had eavesdropped a conversation between Sana and Mark and that broke his heart a bit more, they were confessing their love…


	6. I'm reaching my limit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a visit to the doctor Jackson learns the meaning behind the petals he's producing

**Journal entry #25**

**You always ask why I befriended you, I can never tell you a reason Mark. Maybe because of your bad luck, maybe because I owe you from a previous life. I just know that I felt in love with you. It wasn’t at first sight, but it’s as intense.**

**I now understand that old song… You and me, we used to be together, everyday together, always. I really feel that I’m losing my best friend. Mark I don’t want to be a burden. What will I do? I know you’re good that’s why I can get over you. I can sense I’m fading… It hurts so much. Maybe I was meant to love you, this kind of old fashion one sided-love story must be my type of story. Every nerve in my body transmit love for you, it seems I’m reaching my limit. It hurts so much but somehow I can let it go…**

**My symptoms are worsening and I visited the doctor in China again, he says I went from stage 1 to stage 2. He’s afraid I’ll be in stage 3 soon. He prescribed me some more pills to lessen my nausea and to give me strength. I’m under a new medication system now. Luckily I can hide them and say they’re vitamins. I pray the rest of the members won’t find out…**

**Such a hopeless feeling…**

**J-**

One he was done with the journal Jackson prayed every night, he wanted to get better, he wanted to breathe normally again to be able to stand next to Mark without feeling the air was taken out of his lungs, Jackson wanted to be supportive of Mark’s relationship but his body was betraying him, the moment he spotted Mark and Sana holding hands he would ran to the nearest toilet to expel more petals. The doctor examined them and told him the meaning behind:

 **Every patient is unique, every person develops a different kind of flower, in your case Mr. Wang it’s** **zhīzi** **or gardenia, in our Chinese culture it represents a secret love. The color symbolizes hopelessness; it’s the indicator of a bitter sweet love** **. I’m so sorry to inform you that with this rate of development you’ll be in stage 3 too soon. Please consider the option of the surgery, even if the new medication makes effect on your body the roots of these flowers are spreading super-fast, most of your internal organs will be affected. Mr. Wang you should schedule the operation as soon as possible-** said the doctor.

Jackson didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want to bother his dongsaeng BamBam or He Jiong gege anymore. His body was slowly giving up. It was February and Got7 was preparing the comeback with the last part of Flight Log Trilogy. Jackson was no longer tied to Mark, he didn’t wait until Mark was done with the recording, and Jackson wasn’t handling Mark a bottle of water after practice. He wasn’t the one giving Mark a towel whenever Mark forgot to take one with him when showering. There were no late night visits to their favorite restaurant, no walking to the Han River. Jackson would always create excuses and when Mark wasn’t buying them BamBam went into his protective mode and helped Jackson to escape from the situation. Jackson was really trying to put some distance, Mark was trying to become closer but the atmosphere was rare.


	7. Love is a nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson is reaching level 3

Mark’s POV

I don’t know what’s going on with Jackson; he’s been so busy lately. I rarely see him outside JYP building, I have noticed he has lost lots of weight, his cheerful persona is also diminishing. It’s my fault and I know it. I pushed him, when I start dating Sana everything else disappeared, my relationship took my 100%, dating her is great, but we both know the dangers if we get caught. So naturally it takes an extra effort for both of us. Anyways I started to talk less to Gaga and even though he says everything is alright I’m not buying it. I'll get to the core of it, I’m losing my best friend. I know I’m the one to blame because he’s the most selfless person I have ever met, I’m screwing up. I promise you Gaga I make things right with you, we’ll be the same as we were before.

**Journal entry # 32**

**Mark, In front of you I pretend that I’m fine. I pretend that I’m okay. I have to I can’t confess the reason behind my cold shoulder. I’m sorry but the more I see you the more I fall in love. I came to the conclusion that love is nightmare from which I’m unable to wake up. Just a little bit more, I’ll just look at you a little more Mark. Then I can put away my feelings…That’s what I believed, that’s why I’m doing this. But my feelings are getting bigger and deeper. My heart won’t listen, it won’t get better. I’m falling too deep, it’s hard to breathe with these stupid lungs, and they’re giving up. I can’t continue like this. I love you so fucking much. I want to be selfish and take you away from Sana but she’s so sweet and understanding, it not her fault that you chose her, it’s not her fault but mine. I’m sorry Mark I love you. I love you and I’m scared, what would happen to me in the future?**

**J-**

Mark tried, he tried to cheer Jackson but he refused all advances, all proximity. It was so wrong, Jackson felt guilty towards Mark, he wanted to spend time like they used to, but Jackson knew in the stage he was he couldn’t control the petal from being expel from his mouth. One day Mark cornered Jackson in the filming studio and invited him to watch a movie, he just wanted to fix his friendship. BamBam wasn’t around and there was no escape for Jackson so he had to accept the invitation. Unfortunately it was the beginning of the end.

Jackson made sure to triple the dosage of pills before the movie; he mentally prepared himself while waiting for Mark. They went to the cinema. What is done, it’s done. Even the smallest details sent Jackson to a nearly euphoric state, Mark paid for the tickets of the movie, and he bought Jackson popcorn with cheese, his favorites.

Smallest touches and warm words meant a lot for Jackson. Everything that came out of Mark’s mouth made Jackson feel more in love. Mark treated Jackson so well that evening. For a moment Jackson thought it could work, he could have Mark for him. After the movie they had dinner together in their favorite bbq restaurant. For the first time, in a long time, Jackson ate without throwing up petals.

They went for a walk near Han River.The moon was so bright; it was illuminating the sky of Seoul. Jackson allowed himself to drink every detail of Mark, every feature, every corner of his face which screamed perfection his almond- like eyes, his nose, his pinkish lips. The moonlight made Mark look even more beautiful. His toothy smile was so precious: Jackson thought for a moment everything was perfect, his jokes were making Mark laugh, it was an intoxicating sound.

Mark also thought for a moment he had his best friend back. Everything seemed to be the way it was before: the movie, the restaurant, the talk and the walk. Jackson was being himself again: cracking jokes, telling stories, laughing with his characteristic high pitch laugh, telling Mark his stories of China. Mark allowed himself to go back in time and revive their old memories. Mark felt he was completely happy, after seeing his best friend the way he used to be. Mark felt his mission was accomplished… but reality hit him, his phone rang while Jackson was talking, the caller ID: Sana. Mark didn’t want the night to end so soon he really wanted to keep on listening to Jackson, to see the sparks in those chocolate brown eyes, but his phone kept on ringing.

 **Hyung, you should pick up the call. It must be important. Go ahead I don’t mind it** \- said Jackson once he notice Mark was making no movement.

 **It’s ok Gaga, this call can wait. Please tell me more of your stories-** Mark’s phone kept on ringing.

 **Hyung, I really think you should pick up, it might be Sana, you have to talk to her-** said a somber Jackson.

**Ok, I’ll pick it up. Just give me a minute-**

**I’ll be walking ahead; you can have your own space, talk with no hurries** \- said Jackson while walking ahead.

 **This is it. I knew it was too good to be true, Mark Tuan you don’t love me. I know it, you won’t ever do it** \- Jackson thought while a burning sensation came to his throat, he knew exactly what it was and he ran to a nearest public restroom. The moment he entered the stall he started to cough, it was uncontrollable. The petals were pale yellow but they came with a metallic- salty flavor. Jackson took a look at the petals and it shocked him, they were covered with drops of blood. He cleaned himself and flushed the toilet. He made sure to take a sample for sending it to China asap. Jackson knew the extent of this new symptom, He was reaching stage 3.


	8. Stage 3: Full Blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson's time is running out

**Journal entry #35**

**Mark would never love me back the way I want to, the way I need to be loved. This is just so fucked up, I’m a mess and time is ticking not only for the come back stage but also for my health. The doctor confirmed my suspicious; he said I have reached stage 3. Things are getting more complicated. How I wish everything would be different. I can’t force you Mark, I would never force love. Whenever I see you go out with Sana you’re innocently rubbing salt in my wounded heart. I’m only contemplating my available options:**

**Fall out of love or Have the surgery???**

**I have tried very hard to stop this. My heart that only looks at you feels lonely, even this entry is a living probe of my disease, there’re some blood stains in it. Before I had symptoms only when I saw you, now I have symptoms even when just thinking about you. I can’t move forward. My body doesn’t listen to me.I’m so weak right now. BamBam is taking care of me. I went to the hospital, since I cannot go to my original doctor she directed me with a new one here in Korea. She said I might have only 3 weeks before it’s too late. The doctor is forcing me to have the surgery, but if I get it everything will be gone as well: my love for you and our friendship, I’m so confused I don’t know what to do anymore.**

**J-**

That week was a complete disaster for Jackson, a high fever took over his body and he started to cough a full bloomed flower. Time was really running out. He had BamBam next to him, his friend took the petals and flowers and hide them away from the rest of the members.

Jackson was super lucky he was no longer sharing his bedroom; otherwise everybody would notice the blood. BamBam explained the floral scent in Jackson  bedroom by saying that Jackson was under a new therapy, who would have thought gardenias have one of the strongest smell in the world of flowers? During that week Mark couldn't visit Jackson, he was so busy with the comeback, and somehow JYP found out about Jackson’s conditions and kept it as a secret. He wasn’t only his boss but he felt as his hyung so he protected Jackson.

Every time Mark was about to enter Jackson’s room somebody ~~-read it BamBam-~~ interrupted him, Mark could only send messages to Jackson. At the same time, Sana and Mark were drifting away, their schedules were impossible. Mark took the final decision. He ended the relationship with her, in good terms though, it was mutual, it was a beautiful relationship while it lasted but there was nothing they could do anymore so they let it go.

Jackson, on the other hand wasn’t happy about his situation, he was unable to speak properly, his throat was itching all the time. His lungs weren't supplying him enough oxygen. He couldn’t joing the rest in the promotions. He felt he was a real burden. On top of that, Mark’s absence was literally killing him

**Journal entry # 37**

**I’m so done with everything; BamBam is now pressuring me as well. He said I need to love myself the same amount I love you Mark. He said I must consider others too, what about my parents? Would they be happy if they find out I gave up on living for love? For an unrequested love? For a hopeless love? And ahgases would be so sad if they never see me again. I have worked so hard, but I can’t escape from this. Mark I hate you so much!!!! It has been a week!! A fucking week and you haven’t been here!!! I’ve been bedridden for a week and you never once came to see how I was doing. I mean, you made me food and prepared my things and my medicine but you never came to see me. Am I now a disposable friend? Don’t you value me a bit?**

**I’ve made my mind, I’m allowing myself to be selfish for a second time in my life. The first one was when I left fencing for coming to Korea. This time I’m gonna be selfish again, I wanna live, I wanna be happy. Mark I’m giving up on you, I’m giving up on our friendship. There’s nothing of it to be saved to be honest. I’m having the surgery, even if it means I’m taking you and our memories out of my system. I’m so sorry but it’s the only way for me. Mark I’m sorry I love you but I also love myself. I’m calling the hospital, my appointment will be made and that’s it. Good bye Mark Tuan, I love you!!!**

**J-**

Actually after the phone call Jackson fell unconscious. BamBam entered the room and read the entry. He called the ambulance while the members were out having dinner. Jackson was taken to the hospital, he was put under mechanic assistance for breathing. Dctors rushed in and estabilized him. Once he woke up he was asked the question:

**Mr. Wang are you having the surgery?**

**Yes sir, I want the surgery-** answered an almost lifeless Jackson.

BamBam was in the same room together with JYP and He Jiong gege. They listened to everything and made sure Jackson was treated well. Only Bambam was left behind.

**Hyung, I’m sorry you’re in this position now. I wanted to ask you a final question: what do you want me to do with your journal? I have it in here, I found it in your bed and I hid it, tell me what to do-**

**Give it to me now, I’ll write my last entry. Once I’m done I want you to hide it. It’s an important part of my life that I don’t want to end it in a trashcan but I can’t have it near me in the future. Please give it to me now; there must be a pen inside –** said Jackson.

**As you wish hyung, and yes there’s a pen. I’ll leave you alone now to finish it. Once you’re ready call me and I’ll take it with me.**

**Last journal entry.**

**Mark Tuan I love you, Wǒ ài nǐ, Saranghae. This is it. I’m writing my last entry...**


	9. Last Journal Entry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson writes for the last time

Jackson finished it, gave a phone call to BamBam and He was put to sleep. Later on, he was sent to the operation room. The surgery took 4 hours. It was a very difficult one but successful. Jackson could normally breathe and eat for the first time in months. After 5 days he was sent back to the dorms where he was received with lots of love and enthusiasm. For the first time in a long time Jackson could look at Mark and talk to him with no symptoms. He was relieved this was the probe he had fallen out of love with Mark. Jackson had to act a bit in order to not raise any suspicious. He had to pretend he care about Mark’s breaking up. However, he felt nothing at all, it was the normal consequence of the procedure. He no longer love Mark in any sense, not even as a friend. What is done is done Jackson thought.

But Mark… well, he did notice the change in Jackson’s attitude, he tried to brush it off though. There were so many fan meetings, photo sessions, interviews, etc. Mark couldn’t actually get a hold of his friendship with Jackson. The fire and sparks in Jackson’s eyes were no longer there and Mark felt terrible.

One day while everybody was about to leave for Australia Mark went to look for his shoes in BamBam’s room. He wanted to used them and he knew that maknae had asked for them before so while looking among a huge pile of boxes he found what he was looking and a bit more. There was a black notebook with the character 王, Mark assumed it was from Jackson and after placing all the boxes into their original place he took the shoes and the notebook. Jackson wasn’t around so he took the copybook with him to the airport. Once he landed he wanted to room with Jackson but he had no such luck.

Let’s say that curiosity killed the cat…

Mark started to read all the entries and he couldn’t stop himself up until he reached the end, he hadn’t notice the signs, he never knew the reason of why Jackson was acting the way he did before. Tears were furiously escaping his eyes. Mark was so afraid of reaching the end, he was terrified…

**Last journal entry.**

**Mark Tuan I love you, Wǒ ài nǐ, Saranghae. This is it. I’m writing my last entry. Is there anybody interested in knowing my story?It’s the kind of sad one-sided love, but still I don’t regret it.**

**Mark, I have loved you as a friend for years since July 3 rd 2011 around 10 pm. It was the first time we met, remember? After that we became fellow trainees and best friends. When did I fell in love with you? I have not an answer to that. I just did it.**

**I’m sorry Mark, I wish our friendship could have survived this madness but apparently it’s impossible. I didn’t want to be a burden. I tried to fight back this feeling but it is overwhelming. I told you before, didn’t I? I believe there’s not a happily ever after in love, so I guess this is just the confirmation. I, by no means, blame you. This disease came to me and I didn’t stop it at the right time. I endured as much as I could but when I collapsed today I just couldn’t take it anymore.**

**Loving you is beautifully painful. You know, the flowers blossoming now inside of me are so delicate, they are called gardenias and they have a pretty pale yellow color.**

**The more I love you, the more the flowers blossom inside of me. The more I wish you could have told me you love me the same way I do the more flower I expel. All is in vain though because Mark you don’t feel the same, because you’re already in love with someone else and that person isn’t me and won’t ever be me.**

**I loved you intensively, all of you. Your looks are out of this world, your face is so small, so perfect, your almond eyes are so full of life. You have for sure captured two stars to put one in each of your eyes, your smile is pure life. Your body, your hands, your arms, your legs, all of you scream perfection. But what I love more isn’t what I can see with my eyes, Mark your heart is made of gold. You always care for others in a silent manner; you’re so patient, so tender, so kind, so devoted to work. You treated me so well, you never yelled at me and you put up with all my pranks.**

**I misinterpreted your I love you’s, they were not meant to be the ones I wanted to hear, you were the best friend I could have ever asked for.**

**I understand why you chose Sana and not me, she is everything I won’t ever be: taller, more reserved, and incredibly beautiful. I know I’m not as handsome as some people think I’m aware of who I am, while I’m average you’re outstanding, you are gorgeous.**

**I have no more energy to keep writing Mark. Let me tell you that the last thought in my mind before falling again into unconsciousness is that I love you with all my energies- if I have any left- I’m going to go soon into the operation room and I’m scared but this decision, a very selfish one, I admit it’s my only way.**

**At some point I realized that some people can stay around me but outside my heart. I’m sorry Mark I love you, but I’m letting this feeling go.**

**J-**

Mark read the last lines and he understood, he finally understood all the suffering he caused to Jackson. It was too late for an apology, Mark knew Jackson had removed him from his life and there was no turning back. So he cried for hours and hours, until he felt asleep.

While dreaming Mark uttered these words:

**“Yeppeosseo Jackson, nal barabwa judeon geu nunbit.  
Nal bulleojudeon geu moksori. Da, da. Geu modeun ge naegen.**

**Yeppeosseo Gaga”**

 

That night Mark had a nightmare, were Jackson was being kidnapped, he was taken away by some crazy saesangs, and he was never going to see Jackson again. He was shivering and woke up sweating.

Out of the blue he started coughing, he couldn’t breathe something was itching in his throat…

A white rose petal was floating around Mark’s hotel room…

 

 

“ ** _Mmm, well, let me see… I think I like white roses. Yes, I like them!!! I think they are so elegant, their smell is so fragrant, I just love them-_** said an enthusiastic Jackson”

 。・゜★・。・。☆。・゜★・。・。☆。・゜★・。・。☆。・゜★・。・。☆

The translation of Mark’s words:

“You were pretty Jackson, Your eyes that looked at me. Your voice that called out to me. Everything, everything. Everything has passed. You were beautiful Gaga”


End file.
